There’s no prescription for moving through grief, but Ampersand’s Grief Counselor, Lori Kuhn is here to share her tips on working through it, which is something many of us struggle with on a daily basis. Whether your loss (of any kind) is recent or happened long ago, you too can learn how to navigate the process.

 

LORI’S TIPS FOR WORKING THROUGH GRIEF

 

NORMALIZE GRIEF

First, recognize that grief is about change. It is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. It is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Society has taught us to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.

 

BE AWARE OF THE BRAIN’S ROLE

Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. Too often, the brain gets in the way of healing the heart. This happens because we just don’t have the right tools to enable the brain to move out of the way and allow the heart to heal.

 

DON’T COMPARE LOSSES

Recognize that all relationships are unique. No one could possibly know how you feel even in a parallel loss. We all have unique and individual relationships to the people in our lives and we are the only ones who know what that relationship was. Comparing losses is wasted emotional energy.

 

WORK ON COMPLETING THE RELATIONSHIP

We need to become complete with the relationship and the pain of the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, moving or any other loss we may experience. Being complete means dealing with the unfinished emotional business– the things you wish had been different, better or more and the unmet hopes, dreams and expectations we had for the relationship and for the future.

 

RELEASE THE GUILT

There is often “guilt” associated with loss. Guilt means a deliberate intent to harm. Realize that guilt is a heavy burden to bear. You can change nothing about what caused your loss to occur. Holding guilt is wasted emotional energy and is exhausting.

 

DISPEL THE MYTHS (AKA “STUPID STUFF PEOPLE SAY”)
  • DON’T FEEL BAD: Feeling bad is ok, you just have experienced a loss. It is appropriate to have sad, negative or painful reactions to sad, negative or painful events.
  • REPLACE THE LOSS: If your dog dies and you go get a new one before completing the relationship with the old one, you will never love the new dog the same way. It’s unfair to both of you. A failure to complete past relationships can make full participation in a new relationship difficult or impossible.
  • GRIEVE ALONE: People grieve alone because they are afraid of being judged or criticized for having the feelings they are having. We are taught as children that sad, painful or negative feelings are not acceptable in public – or in private for that matter.
  • BE STRONG!: This is confusing because it is not doable. It is an idea that has become so distorted that it now implies that you should not have or demonstrate emotions in front of others.
  • KEEP BUSY: Keeping busy can be exhausting and can create a dangerous illusion that you are dealing with the loss. This can go on for weeks, months and years. All that has been accomplished by staying busy has been to distract yourself further by the pain caused by the loss. The reality is, the emotions from the loss become buried, but the emotions of grief are powerful and don’t fade so easily – they are always there.
  • TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS: This is a dramatic piece of misinformation that has been imposed on all of us. There is a huge difference between time healing a wound and a wound healing with time. Many of these myths are hooked together with almost invisible wires.
  • UNRESOLVED GRIEF: Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. Unresolved grief does not go away by the counterproductive non-actions of trying not to feel bad or by replacing the loss, or by grieving alone, or by being strong, or by keeping busy or by the passage of time.

 

THERE IS HOPE

 

Now that we’ve been through some ways that you can work through grief, you need to know that there is hope. Recovering and healing from loss is a choice, it is possible. Loss does not need to define who we are, it is possible to regain happiness and reestablish well-being. 

 

GRIEF DOES NOT NEED TO BE OR SHOULD NOT BE A LIFE SENTENCE

 

The path to healing and recovery is led by completing the relationship. Completion is the action of discovering and communicating directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions which attach to any relationship that changes or ends. This is done by looking at a personal loss over a lifetime and recognizing how we process things and how those losses were experienced emotionally at the time they occurred. It’s looking at the misinformation that guided us poorly and how the reactions of those around us affected us.

Then, we look at the relationship that is causing us pain and/or heartbreak. We examine the emotional intensity and what parts of the relationship are incomplete and not allowing us to heal. It is with these tools that recovery can be achieved. We can reclaim our circumstances instead of our circumstances claiming us.

Recovery allows us to enjoy fond memories without them precipitating painful feelings of regret or remorse. Recovery means that it’s ok to one day realize that your ability to talk about the loss you have experienced is indeed normal and healthy. 

There is no timeline for grief. The relationship never ends, it changes.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by or struggling to deal with/ process grief, you do not need to go at it alone. Contact Lori Kuhn, Grief Counselor & Certified Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, who will support you in the process.

lkuhn@ampersandintegrative.com

(484) 516-2206

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